#37 

Laura Brookes from FiLiA meets: Rina a domestic abuse survivor.

Laura: Hello. I'm Laura Brookes, volunteer with FiLiA, and I'm here today with Rina Chohan and I'm a domestic abuse advocate. Today we're here to hear Rina's journey and how we came to be here today. 

Rina: I am a domestic abuse survivor. I was in a very abusive marriage and relationship for 18 years and prior to that had quite an emotionally abusive childhood.

It's taken me a long time to be able to differentiate between what a normal childhood was and the fact that it actually was quite an abusive one. I'm Asian, I'm Indian, and it seemed quite as the norm to have quite controlling parents, kind of do as you say, be seen and not heard and to me that was the norm growing up, to not be able to really have an opinion on anything. so yeah, it's taken me a long time. I think I've had to go through quite a roller coaster journey to be able to actually discover who I am after being in these situations.

But I'm a better person for it. I don't look back and regret anything because it's made me the person I am today and now speak publicly on domestic abuse, honour abuse, forced marriage and I'm out there speaking to so many different people on so many different levels, ages, cultures and I'm able to give something back and that's because of what I have been through.

And that's something that's really important to me. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and every time I speak at any kind of public events or anything whether that's to the general public or whether that's professionals. I always think if that helps one person that's one life saved.

Because that's the reality of abuse, people die from this and whether that's at the hands of a perpetrator or at their own hands. 

Statistics record people that have been murdered or killed through domestic abuse, but it doesn't actually record people that have committed suicide because of it and I've been in that place more than once. I've been a self-harmer since I was 14 years old and it's been my way of coping with things and it's not a healthy way. I've had help and support and I'm a lot better.

There's still times when things get difficult and I can slip back into old habits. But I've now got the tools and the strategies to be able to help myself and it's really important for me that I can be there to help other people I don't want what I've been through to be a waste.

People have this assumption that when you leave an abusive situation that, they've gone, they've left. Everything's hunky dory, everything's, life's perfect. And actually the real work for somebody that's been in an abusive situation actually comes after they've left. There's many a times I've sat back and I've cried and I've thought, why, why did I leave? Because I could cope in that situation. I knew how to deal with those situations. I knew what mood my ex-partner would be from the way the car door closed or the way the front door opened and you get used to it. You're living with that constantly whereas when you come out of that situation, it's how to be yourself. How to be. You lose your identity. You lose who you are and it's teaching yourself how to be yourself and discovering who you are and it's really hard. It's really, really hard because by that point you have no self-esteem, no self-worth, no confidence.

I look back now it's four years since I was in that situation. And I look back now and I think what was I so scared of? But at that time you just think you're not capable of doing anything. And I still have times of doubt of whether I'm a good enough person, whether I'm a good enough mother, am I doing the right thing? I would never want my child to ever go through and feel what I did growing up. because no one should ever have to feel like that. It's mentally very, very hard. I think when people see me now, I can come across as quite a confident person, quite a strong person.

I've had people that have known me for years said, Rina, I never realised you were in an abusive situation. Because you get used to it, you open that front door and almost a mask comes on and you go with the mask because you don't want anyone because of the shame and the fear, you don't want anyone to know what is actually going on behind closed doors. And there's a huge fear of not being believed, a massive, massive thing of not being believed of being judged. 

Laura: And when it's culturally acceptable, then it's harder to overcome. 

Rina: My ex-partner was a different religion to me. He was Muslim. I was Hindu. So to from the off, it was a taboo relationship. It’s not seen as a good thing to be with someone to live with them without being married to him. So I kind of broke all the kind of cultural rules. I was with somebody who was a different religion. I was living with them without being married so people look down at you and you're cut off from a lot of things. That's probably one of the reasons I stayed in the relationship for as long as I did, because I actually didn't have anywhere to turn. People are waiting for you to fail. 

But I'm a stronger person. There are times when I still struggle. There are still times where I suffer with my self-harming, suffer with suicidal thoughts. There's a lot of guilt about that I stayed for too long. 

I think I'm probably my own worst critic. I can show kindness and compassion to anybody else and I will help anybody else. But when it comes to yourself, you're a lot harsher with yourself.

I find, I get a lot out of helping other people now and showing them that there is actually light at the end of the tunnel. I've had some people come and say to me, well, if it was so traumatic and it was so hard why would you want to go out there and publicly speak about it?

And it's not out of pity. It's not out of sympathy. It's not out of attention. It's to create awareness. It's me finding my voice.  It's me giving a voice to all those that don't have a voice. And it's showing that actually there is light at the end of the tunnel, you can get out and you can thrive from that.

And the friendships that I've made through this journey over the last four years. I found my family. I have people in my life that are equivalent to my mum. To my sister. And honestly, I would do anything for them. We are such a close family that no matter what you are going through, no matter what time of day, whether that's three o'clock in the afternoon or three o'clock in the morning, if you ring, you pick up that phone. One of those group of people will answer that phone and they will be there without a second thought or anything, they will be there. It's not always about blood, it's the family you choose. And I'm really proud of my family, some of these women, they're my heroes. They inspire me. They are my heroes because of everything that they've been through, they give me strength. They give me courage. They make me want to be a better person, a better woman, a better mother, a better human being. 

You see a lot of the nasty side of people in abuse and you have that fear that this is what the rest of the world is like. and actually it's not. It's full of some absolutely beautiful, amazing people and these women are the role models that I want in my child's life. There’s so much strength in there. 

There's been times where I've literally had a breakdown. I've been on my knees. And they're the ones that have picked me up. They're the ones that have been there for me. They've never day and night, day and night and picked me up and put me back together. 

Laura: Because like your family, those women share something with you that nobody else can share. Like you do with your family, they are sharing experience with you that is personal to you.

Rina: We have a bit of a saying within our group of girls that we get it. We all get it and we need more of that. We need more women empowering women. 

The times in my life where I just thought I've got nowhere to go. No one to turn to. And I don't feel like that anymore. I really don't because I know that no matter what they'll be there and they'll help me any which way they can and that's so important. 

There can be a lot of jealousy sometimes with other women and competing. And it's not about that. It’s us lifting each other up. 

And I've just, I've met some amazing career people through this journey. Over the last four years. And there's people that I will never, ever forget. And there's, people's stories that really stay with you.

I spoke at an event at the wild festival last year and there was a lady that opened up that hadn't done for nearly 30 years. And that was the first time she'd actually publicly spoken about that to somebody else, actually voiced because she'd heard me speak. That's so empowering.

That's why I do what I do. 

Laura: You are a hero you're empowering. You are all them things that you look to those over women for. That's what you give to all these other women that come to you. You are a shero. 

Rina: I don't know about that, if it saves one life that's one life saved because I was nearly one of those statistics.

I would be held; I was tied up for three days because I wanted to leave. I went through 18 years of sexual abuse as well as mental and financial abuse. At the time when I was leaving, I was in the midst of a massive breakdown. I have medical conditions that flared up. I was bedbound. I was wheelchair bound. I had carers in for this time four years ago, I'd carers in four times a day to wash me and dress me and feed me and give me my medication because I wasn't capable of that. and there's services out there that can help you, domestic violence charities and Women’s Aid.

People don't know about these services. I was lucky when I was in the middle of a breakdown, I had a community psychiatric nurse who saw that I was in an abusive relationship. I didn't even realise I was in it. I didn't know because it was the norm to me. And she encouraged me to contact the domestic violence charity and said, just have a conversation. And I remember looking at her really confused and saying, but why I'm not a battered wife. And she said, please just, just call them. Just have one conversation. And it was the most important call I ever made. They gave me the courage and actually how to get out of this situation. There’s the support to be able to get out of this situation, and it was hard to actually break free legally, it costs me seven and a half thousand pounds for court orders, for non-molestation orders, for non-occupation order to actually get a divorce.

He pushed me to a point where I wanted to die myself. I was sitting on a train track at half past three in the morning, waiting for a freight train. Had I have not had a really good friend at that time who came looking for me and physically carried me off the train tracks I wouldn’t be here now. 

Laura: It’s just that one person just to ask twice, not to say, are you all right?  you to say yes, you are alright though. 

Rina: And that's what makes the difference. It's giving people the knowledge of what the red flags are of what is acceptable, what isn't acceptable behaviour. 

Now my boundaries are so tight now that I won’t allow toxic people into my life because it's not what I want for myself. And it's not what I want for my child.

 I am actually now engaged I never, ever thought I would ever even contemplate getting married again, but I'm with somebody that actually treats me as a woman and as an equal and as a partner and gives me that respect and wouldn't dream of treating me the way I have been treated. 

Laura:  He accepts you for you are, he loves you for you, for who you are. 

Rina: There's a mutual respect as human beings as a partnership. It took me a while, but I got there and he’s a role model for my son.

We have a big responsibility as women to teach our children what is acceptable and what isn't. Just because you are a girl or growing into a woman, nobody can force you to do it. Nobody has that right over you, it is not okay. And with the boys to actually show them how they should be because that's where it stems from and if we don't teach our children that, then we are just going onto another generation of girls and women accepting whatever is given to them because they think that's all they deserve and boys and men thinking that it's okay to behave like that when it's not and we have such a huge responsibility to our next generation. 

 Especially in a cultural way as well. I think this still that divide of equality for the girls and the boys.

I wanted to stay on and do my A levels. I wanted to go to university. I wanted to become a lawyer. But I wasn't allowed to, I wasn't allowed to stay on and do my A levels or go away to university. So I started working when I was 16. So it's giving those people that choice.

I think, especially culturally, men definitely have more power over the women and there isn't enough Asian minority women speaking out. I sometimes worry how I'm going to be received. I'm an Asian woman.  I have tattoos. I can wear a short skirt or a short dress.

And now I've got to a point where I just think, no, this is me. I've got about 15 tattoos and there that's my story, that's my story on my body. Every single one has a very specific meaning and I love them. One on my arm, which says freedom with a bird and that my son actually picked that one out when I actually divorced his dad, my ex-husband. I've got a butterfly with the semicolon on my wrist, the semicolon represents for the mental health which is stay strong. And that was after a suicide attempt. I have a lion on my left leg with a crown on and a script on the back of that says ‘I was given this life because I was strong enough to live it.’

And I've got a script on my right thigh, which says ‘we define ourselves by the best that is in us, not the worst that has been done to us.’ and I've got a huge one for my son on my back which is his favourite. This is my body. This is what empowers me. This is me who I am now. And if people like it, then brilliant high five and if you don't then that's your choice. Next, please. 

I've gone past that phase of wanting to please everyone else and I've finally come to a point in my life where: you know what, this is my life and I'm going to make dam sure it's a good one now. 

Laura: Oh, you're so amazing. 

Rina: Thank you. I'm just me and I'm very blessed and I'm very lucky that I have good people around me. The most amazing friends that are my family now. And I love them all to pieces. I have the most loving, caring son anybody could ever ask for. I've got an amazing fiancé. I have really good work colleagues. I'm enjoying my life now and I'm pleased I can say that. And there are times I do dip because of the abuse. I suffer really badly with PTSD. I’m still going through therapy for that. 

But I know that there's no shame in getting help, there's a lot of people that have gone through any form of abuse will have unfortunately end up with mental health conditions. And there's times when I do really dip, but I'm now in a place where I can see myself and I will reach out for help, whereas before I wouldn't. I know the signs whereas before I wouldn't. 

I know when things are getting a bit too much for me or people around me that know me can see the signs as well even if I'm missing it. 

Laura: It’s good that you've got those people around you that can be honest enough to say it to you as well, because sometimes people don't want to say things for fear of hurting your feelings or fear of putting you in a place where you don't want to be. But, you know, honesty is the best policy.

Rina: Oh yeah, definitely. And I respect people like that. I’m very much what you see is what you get. And I have the upmost respect for people that are straightforward and say it how it is. I think we need a bit more of that in the world. I won't let what I've been through define me. It won't. but I know that if at the times where I think it is starting to define me and I am falling apart a bit. Do you know what? I've got the most amazing support that is just going to lift me straight back up again. And I am so goddamn lucky for that. I really am. Because I know not everybody has that.

Laura: And that's why we need to have conversations like this so people listening can understand what a woman in an everyday life goes through.

Rina:  Yeah. I was like, oh my God, how am I going to manage financially? Can I still hold down a job? And can I pay all the bills and am I going to be a good enough mother? And, how am I going to do the shopping and how am I going to pay the bills?

And even though I was doing all this stuff, because you have a man telling you that you are not capable of doing all this day in day out, you start to believe it. Whereas actually you're doing it and you're bloody doing a good job about it as well. I'm proud of myself for. I really am. And any person that has gone through it that is come out the other end, give yourself a pat on the back.

 And now I'm in a very, very privileged position where I can help other people. I've supported people through courts after they've come out of abuse through family courts, I've spoken at events, we've done training, all this kind of stuff.

And knowledge is power but not in a way of I'll get you to do what I want, it's no empowering yourself. Empowering each individual that is out there. It's educating people.

 Laura: We all need women in our lives. Like you, we really do.

Rina: Can you tell I'm absolutely crap at taking compliments. 

I've gone from a mental health background, you know? Just because something has happened to you It doesn't change who you are fundamentally inside. It's just allowing yourself to be who you are. That's the most important thing. And it might be hard trying to get to that point. It’s damn worth it. It really is. 

Laura: Oh, you've been on such an amazing journey. If you had advice for any woman out there who was in the same position that you've been in, what would you say to them? 

Rina: Reach out for help because there is support out there. Non-judgmental support that can help you. And it might be that you may not be ready to leave, but you just need to be able to vocalise what you are thinking and what you're feeling and what you're going through. Nobody's going to make you do anything.

But reach out there and get the support because there's so much help out there, whether that's housing, whether that's finances, whether that's physically getting you into a safe space, physically getting your children into a safe space and that comes not just from domestic abuse, but also honour abuse and forced marriages.

There are charities like  Karma Nirvana who are amazing.

The whole, the Karma team and the advocates that they have there and there's so much support. No matter what your cultural background is. Unfortunately abuse doesn't discriminate against your gender, your ethnicity, your education, your background, your profession, or anything. It can happen to anybody. And it's the same with your mental health, it can happen to anybody but there is help out there if you allow yourself to just look for it and get that help and support, and you'll be in a better place. I know I've been in that place where I've thought I'm better off dead and it's an awful, awful place to be in.

And when it doesn't work, living with that guilt of then still being alive. Oh, you know, I've been there, taking the overdose and being in the hospital and physically cried and thinking, why have you saved me because I don't want to be here and months afterwards held onto that thought of, yeah, but I'm not supposed to be here, but you do.

Do you know what? You do deserve to be here. And it needs to be talked about, people need to be educated and be made more aware and that stigma to go. that shame and the judgment and all that. It needs to go. And if I can play even the tiniest part in changing somebody's mind-set of how they see, or how they approach it. Then I feel like I'm doing some good.

Laura: Well, thank you so much for sharing your journey. And I look forward to seeing you at FiLiA. 

Rina: Yes, definitely. And thank you very much for, uh, giving me the time to speak.